12-20-03

Every person I have ever loved has left: my mother, my father, my sister with my nephew, and him. I wasn’t surprised that he left just hurt. I knew I was in too deep but he promised. He promised that he would always be there, that he would never leave and I believed him. I believed him because I loved him, I still love him and I thought he loved me but no one loves me because if they did they wouldn’t leave, they wouldn’t leave me all alone. But I’m not alone. I’ll always have a reminder of him. All I have to do is look at Katie and I’ll remember. Remember our last night together. Remember how he said he loved me and how when I woke up the next morning he was gone.

12-21-03

I hated to leave that morning. She was the one good thing in my life and I was about to lose her forever. I had her in my arms and I had to leave. There were things she didn’t know, that she couldn’t know. I love her with all my heart but I was engaged and she didn’t know. I figured I would just have that one night and then I’d be able to give her up forever but it’s not that simple. She’s always on my mind. And as I lie next to my wife I wish it was her I was lying next to but it’s not and it never will be because I gave her up when I left that morning.

4-8-08

I can’t believe it Katie started kindergarten today. So much time has passed since that night. I wish more than anything her father could be here with us, with me. She looks and acts like him more and more everyday it’s scary. I think about him a lot. I wonder where he is, what he’s doing, why he left, and if he still loves me, but if he did love me I would have seen or heard from him at least once in the past five years. I could get in touch with him but I wasn’t the one who left. I love Katie so much, maybe because I know she’s not leaving, at least not yet, but she will because when she’s older she won’t want to hang around her mother and she’ll leave, just like everyone else I’ve ever loved.

4-10-08

The divorce is final today. I can’t say I blame Audrey for leaving. I actually thought she would sooner. My heart wasn’t hers and she knew it. I didn’t want to hurt Audrey. That’s why I stayed, well in body if not in spirit. I’ve thought about her a lot. Almost every thought goes back to her. I’ve thought about looking her up, but it’s been too long and so much has happened. She probably has someone else, someone who appreciates her and would never leave her the way I did.

11-15-08

I thought I saw him the other day but then again I wish every guy I see is him. But it never is. Although this guy really looked like him but he got into the cab before I could see his face so it probably wasn’t. I wonder if he’s changed so much that I wouldn’t be able to recognize him. I thought he finally came back but I dream about him so much I don’t know when it’s real. I do know that it hurt when he left and that it hurts more with him not here now.

11-17-08

I moved back to Boston after Audrey left. I told myself it was for the job, but it wasn’t for the job, it was for her. This was where I last saw here, last held her. I think I hoped that I would run into her but I haven’t and I probably won’t. I thought I saw her the other day. I was in a cab to go home and from a distance this girl looked like her, but then again all girls with long brown hair look like her until I find out they’re not.

03-20-09

I love the smell of her hair. I love waking up next to her in the morning. Katie is so beautiful. Joey says she’s me but I think she’s as pretty as her mother. When I look at them I wonder how I could have lived without this for five years, lived without her. I’ll never leave again. This is what my life is supposed to be. Everything’s right now. Joey is in my arms and everything is perfect.

03-20-09

All my life people have left and I’ve waited and hoped for them to return. But reality always appeared. When my mom wasn’t in the kitchen when I got home from school, when my father returned to jail the second time for the same reason he went in the first place, when Bessie and Alex moved away, and when he left and didn’t come back. But he did. I couldn’t believe it. I woke up in his arms and nothing felt better. This is forever. This is my life. We’re a family now Pacey, Katie and me. I’m not alone anymore and because of our love I never will be again.