FANtasies Fanfiction

But I Love Him


I lay beside him, only have awoken moments before, but so captivated by the man beside me I couldn't even divert my attention long enough to yawn. I loved morning's like this, waking up in his arms which held me securely to his chiseled chest. The way his hair was disheveled, a far cry from the perfect locks he sported daily for the camera. The way his lips were so slightly parted, how his chest gracefully rose and fell with every gentle breath he took. I really did love him, more than life itself. So then why was this decision so hard?


He stood several feet away. The room dark, we were alone. I was well aware of the feelings coursing through my veins as well as the feelings running through his. But I was in love with another man, I couldn't be with him.

"Don't turn away. Don't leave me like this. He doesn't love you like I do."

"Yes, he does. He's loved me since the moment we met."

"He has your past then, but your future is with me."

I shook my head, understanding his words but refusing to let them reach my heart. If they did, I'd never be able to walk away.

"No, I love him, not you. I can't be here with you, like this. I've hurt him to much as it is. He's my heart and I have to go."

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
Both of us trying to be strong
I've got somewhere else to be, promises to keep
Someone else who loves me, and trusts me fast asleep
I've made up my mind, there is no turning back
[He's] been good to me
And [he] deserves better than that.

He was dangerously close now. The hurt evident in his eyes. He raised a finger, running it down my cheek. His soft skin caused me to tremble as it sent electricity through me. I loved him, God I loved him, but my heart belonged to another, someone I loved more. I think.

"Your lying to me. I can feel it. Don't lie to me, don't lie to yourself. I wanna be with you."

"I don't care what you want. I'm not lying to myself don't you see? I love him, he's who I'll spend the rest of my life with," my voice was a shaky whisper, hardly convincing.

I know we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr. Zhivago, all my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
Cause there can be no happy ending
Maybe another time
another day as much as I want to, I can't stay
I've made up my mind, there is no turning back
[He's] been good to me
And [he] deserves better than that

His lips grazed my cheeks then along my jaw. Everything in my body screamed for me to pull away, but I couldn't. Not when, even though it was wrong, I just wanted to hold him close to me.

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I love you."

"I don't love you."

"Yes, you do," he straightened up.

"If you love me so then let me go. If we're meant to be, it'll work out somehow, but don't make me leave him."

"You'll have to leave him eventually. Your meant to be mine."

"But I love him, I can't hurt him that way."

"You can't have us both."

"I belong with him. I'm sorry."

He nodded, tears in his eyes, releasing his hold on me, stepping back. I walked from the room, overwhelmed with emotions. I heard the door close behind me and never did a noise have so much meaning. I began to shake with realization. I had closed the door on my lover. A person who held my past, and half of my heart. But so did my husband, back home, waiting patiently, totally oblivious to what was going on around him, to what I had done.

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry
I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my hearts not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you.

I returned to him, my other half, my heart, my husband. He met me at the door, his deep eyes looking me over and smiling lovingly at me. He didn't know, he wouldn't be here if he did. He wouldn't love me this much if he did. His arms went around me, holding me in the one place I always felt loved, safe, happy. But I wasn't happy. Had I really done the right thing? But as he kissed me. His touch, the feel of his silky skin against mine, sending me to another place and time. I thought of the passion we had for eachother and I knew. I thought of the trust we shared and I knew. I thought of our past and all that we had been through and I knew. I thought of how he understood me and I knew. He was my forever, he was it for me.


So I lay here in his arms. Breathing in the intoxicating smell of his cologne. Not really wondering, but knowing who I was to be with. I know he saw the guilty/afraid look in my eyes the night before, but he didn't question me. Just kissed me deeply and laid down with me and for that I loved him more. He quietly reminded me of how I was his sun, his moon, his reason for breathing as I drifted off to sleep and for that I love him more. I ran my thumb along his scruffy jaw and watched as he stirred, shifting his head around to get away from the intruder upon his sleep and I loved him even more. So maybe I was wrong to do what I did. Maybe I had no right. But I did love him.

Both of them.




The Hardest Thing   written by: Steve Kipner and David Frank
As performed by: 98 Degrees

Story by: Coffee